In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'"

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"

"Vell, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."

May 16
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.

Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.

Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.

"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

May 15
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.  Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.  

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.   

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir,   but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"  

Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know!  I know!  He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 

May 14
Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign".

The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you sign, you sign".

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name".

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his   clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?

May 13
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big  smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time   she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust  and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

May 12
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

May 11
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.  Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.  "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said ‘That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, ‘That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver
from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said ‘That's once.'"

May 11
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

Each side would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter to rebreed.

After five years the biggest meanest dog the world that had ever been seen had been bread. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a NINE foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the entire Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", one of the American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

May 10
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah blah blah!

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.  Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

May 9
Three men had won the lottery and had split the money into 3 equal parts, but
all of them wanted to give some of their money to the church.

The first man said " I'm going to draw a circle on the ground & throw all my
money up in the air, whatever lands in the circle I will keep & the rest I will give to the church."

The second man said " I will throw my money in the air, if it lands heads up, I will give it to the church & the rest I will keep for myself."

The third man said " I will throw all of my money up in the air, the money that stays up in the air, I will give to the church and the money that falls down to the ground, I will keep for myself."

May 8
Years ago in Ireland there was a priest who was very anti- British.  Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But your grace, I - I - " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the pope. "Swear it here and now or I'm going to excommunicate you!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter. And the father was back at his pulpit in Ireland giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me."

The father continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.' Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"

May 7
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."  

The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!"

May 6
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:

"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

May 5
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.  

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. 

"You were perfectly right. 

"You want to speak with her? All right."  He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:  "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

May 4
Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

May 3
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.  I'm  running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

May 2
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello.   The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home.   See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault.  Honest!  I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?" 

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed.  "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number.  I don't have a daughter named Susan."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad.

May 1
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. 

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache." 

"So what's the problem?" 

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers...

'Die! you son of a bitch, Die!!' 

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